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Love Is In The Air/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, the problem with making a man-sized submarine sandwich is the mess you make trying to eat it. You bite into this baby and you're going to have more spillage than the exxon valdez. But as always, where there's a will, there's a handyman. Get yourself an old caulking tube. Empty it first. Okay, now instead of putting the goodies into the sandwich, you put them in here. Okay, we're ready for the next step. Get yourself a drill bit that's the same size as the widest part of the nozzle. It doesn't matter what kind of bit it is. Wood, metal, even concrete, this won't be hard to drill and if you don't have a vice, just hold the bun between your legs and you'll find out how a submarine sandwich got it's name. [ drilling sound ] okay, make sure you don't drill all the way through. Anybody who's had the flu knows it's impossible to control both ends at the same time. And we're good to go. Okay, we got her all filled up. Now comes the tricky part. Getting the tube out and plugging the hole with a gherkin. And it's just that easy. No muss, no fuss and she's real good eating. [ sound of glass breaking ] next time I'll hold the pickle. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. Well big, big week up at the lodge this week. Harold's been asked over to his fiancee's house to meet everybody in the family. So I made him a little gift to take along and help make a good first impression. Normally, the only people that like harold at first sight are dentists. You know uncle red -- yeah? [ cheers and applause ] I don't think I should take a gift. What? I don't think I should take a gift. I think they should accept me just as I am. Well that's a lot to ask, harold. And you know, I've put a lot of work into this gift. I've wrapped it and everything. Oh my. I wonder what it could be? Well you know when bonnie's family sees you they'll probably say exactly the same thing. Why I'm just sure they already have a barbeque, uncle red. Oh no, not like this one, harold. It's remote controlled. Oh, how does that work? Pretty well. So are you going to take the gift or not? Well I guess so. Yeah, I mean, it's certainly different. You should talk. I mean, I really like the safety aspect of it. I'm just worried they may not get it to work. I don't suppose you wrote a manual? Well harold, it's just like unlocking your car. Oh hey look, it's suppertime. Let's fire up the barbeque. [ explosion ] [ cheers and applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives this coupon for one free anger management class at big bob's institute of tough love. You've tried the rest, now sit down and shut up. All right, cover your ears there, mike. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get mike hammer to say this word... All right winston. And go! Okay, mike, your father is? One of three guys. Okay, this is a person who raises children. Oh, detentions officer. Okay, um, let's say you're a kid who wants to go to a movie that has sex and violence in it. You need to bring along a? Fake I.D. No, okay, okay. When some woman is about to have your baby that means soon you'll be? Hiding out in mexico? All right, remember last year, you were dating that woman and you were nervous about meeting her? Husband. No, uh, okay, okay. Let's try this. These are older people that you loved when you were growing up but they're gone now. Grand? Oh, funk railroad. Almost out of time, red. Yeah, uh... Okay mike, when you think of your mother, you think of a single? Stuffed into her g-string. You know, everybody in the world has two of these and you can't come up with the word? Apparently not. There we go! [ bell ringing ] yeah! Well, I'm not getting any. You know, there are so many ways to take that. And all of them are correct. You know what I'm going to do? What? I'm going to read the newspaper. You know, I never get to do it at home because I'm always getting interrupted by the wife or the daughter or the phone or the crap on television. Hey, I catch one lousy fish and you go and throw it back in. Well, it's floating there, scoop it up. Fine. There you go, mike. Now you've caught two fish. Oh wow. A woman in ohio gave birth to a 90-pound dwarf who brings a message of world peace. Really? Yeah, it says so right here. Wow, no kidding, eh? Yeah, here's a political article too, it says, alabama town sheriff is actually a beagle. No kidding, eh? I wondered what huckleberry hound was doing. It's true, red, look, look. They've got a picture of the dog in uniform right there. That's fake, dalton. What? They'd never let the ears stick out through the hat like that. Every police dog I ever met was always plainclothed. Well it says here, the beagle has a specially-adapted squad car that doesn't have a siren because he can stick his head out the window and go arrooooo. Dalton, you don't believe that. Why not? It's in the paper. Yeah, well instead of looking at a tabloid, try a real newspaper. Okay, ambassador predicts middle east peace. The mayor promises no new taxes. Hollywood wants to make some more family-friendly movies. Here. [ crash ] [ crash ] you know, there are two things every man finds hard to do. Number one is parallel park. Number two is explain to your wife why you watch this show. Now, I can only deal with one problem at a time so I'm going to focus on the parallel parking. The problem is pretty simple. You need the car to move sideways but the wheels don't point that way. What if you add a set of wheels? Smaller wheels? These are brand new caster wheels. They're too pricey for me so dalton just loaned me a bunch. Or, at least, I'm sure he would've if he was home. Now I'm going to mount those casters on this heavy-duty piece of marine plywood. Okay, I'm not good with metric. This is one-inch ply but if you were buying it from a canadian lumber store, you got to switch over to celsius which I believe is nine deca-heca-liter. Okay, this first thing you want to do is you got to cut this thing so it's the same length as the distance between the front and back wheels. For once in my life, everything's working out perfect. Okay, I got the board mounted on there with a jack in each corner. Got the casters underneath pointing sideways. This looks like a winner to me. How can you lose with four jacks? The jacks are activated by what were cordless drills but I've got them running off the cigarette lighter. They're nine-volt drills and the car is 12-volt so that should save me a lot of time. And the beauty of dc is that you can reverse the drills by just switching the wires. So I got one cigarette lighter for lowering the unit and I got another one for raising it. I'm done with parallel parking. I'm into perpendicular parking. [ sound of cordless drill ] [ applause ] then when I'm ready to go, just roll the car out, and drop the tires back on to the road. So remember, if the women don't find you hand -- hand -- oh... They should at least find you creative. [ car starting ] [ applause ] you know, a lot of guys my age get upset because they can't seem to find a decent conversation. They say nobody wants to talk to me anymore. When the truth is nobody wants to listen to you anymore. Conversation is an art not an outlet, okay. It's not a sporting event where your goal is to dominate. Think of the last conversation you had with a friend. Oh, I know, you rattled on for 15 minutes without breathing. But what did they say? What did you hear from them? Was it phrases like, oh really? Well, well... And I got to go? Then no wonder you can't find a conversation. You don't need a friend, you need a podium. Try being on the receiving end a little more often. You know, even a sewage plant has to take something in before it spews anything out. And you might want to think before you talk. Don't walk up to the new neighbour and start ragging on about all the problems with organized religion only to find out he's a lutheran minister. And don't say the word porker until you've seen the size of his wife. Every time you shoot your mouth off you hit yourself in the foot. Try listening. You've got one mouth and two ears. There's a reason for that. I, on the other hand, have a hat over mine. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ cheers and applause ] there's a famous quote that says, you can never go home. Well if this applies to your house, maybe it's time you get your septics pumped. Oh, there we go. Yeah, dalton asked me to find this bottle of animal musk. There's a female scent in there that attracts the male animals when you spread it out on bushes or whatever. It's kind of like sex appeal in a bottle. It scares me to think what dalton wants it for. Oh boy. How do I look? Oh harold, don't ask me that. I'm not a good liar. You see, I'm a little bit nervous. You know, I want bonnie's parents to really like me. I mean, I am marrying their daughter. Yeah, well, I'm thinking they waited a while so they probably lowered their standards a bit. Seriously, I look okay? No, you look fine. I smell okay? You look fine. This is that aftershave they advertise on t.V. It smells a lot better on t.V. Well I'm going to go meet my new family. I sure hope they're not a bunch of dorks or something like that, eh? [ applause ] red, did you find that bottle of musk? Yeah, it's right here. What do you want it for, dalton? Well you know, I spread it around the parking lot of my store. Customers see the animals and they don't look so closely at my prices. Oh, that's good. This isn't right. This smells like aftershave. No, this is aftershave, here. No, no, red, that is animal musk. Harold! Harold! [ applause ] bill and I are going to spend the day on the lake and he wanted to use the canoe but I just didn't feel like going in the canoe. Bill had a little more sanding to do so I -- bill, no, do something else. I have a boat -- I had left a boat up there in the woods a couple of years back and I knew exactly where it was. Sorry bill. Yeah, she's down in here somewhere. Yeah, here we go. The boat right here, oh, oh, oh. Watch out for the tongue of the trailer there, bill. Yeah so I figured I'd go get the possum van, clear some bush out of there and we'll just haul her out. It's got the hitch on the back and everything. So as I was going back to the van I noticed there was a bit of the broken -- I thought maybe I'll just cover that up. It's kind of a little recycling and I don't want bill to see that. You know, that was a complete accident as far as I'm concerned. So we get the possum van hooked up to the boat trailer and attached her real good is that the trees had kind of grown up around the boat there was no way I could get it cleared out of there, so... There was no way of getting the boat out unless we knock some of those -- do we need to take some of those trees down? That's the only way -- bill's got an idea. He's got an axe. Oh... Okay. That's not really what I had in mind, bill. I noticed that the head is now missing on his axe and we're looking around for that. Can't figure out quite where that went. So I got a hole in my boat now and there's only one thing worse than a hole in your boat and that would be two holes in your boat. Now where's the head of the axe? There it is, yeah, okay. All right, so, yeah. Luckily bill gets back working on the boat. You know, I'll tell you one thing, the trees are safe. I take the -- okay, let's get the axe -- now let's try something a little safer than that. All right, this is -- same problem. All right, think of something else, bill. Must be something else. Bill? Okay, got an idea. Okay, now do not ever fill your chainsaw up like -- I'm thinking to myself, this is going to be interesting. And it is. Get the -- no, no, no, no. So he gets her going and I think he had the mix off on the oil and gas cause she was smoking real good. It got the point like I couldn't see what he was doing. That didn't matter. The big problem was he couldn't see what he was doing but the trees were coming down. So I thought okay, benefit of the doubt, we'll get the boat out but I'm not sure it was technically even a boat any more at this point. Okay, bill, now what? Well good ol' bill always has another plan. So he starts pulling the logs together and I realize what he's up to. Down to the boat ramp. We got the outboard mounted on the back of a log ramp with the boat windshield and the canoe front. [ applause ] remember when you used to have these electric blankets with the dual controls so your wife could simmer on her own side of the bed. Then, once the hot flashes started, you replaced this baby with a 40-horsepower ceiling fan. Well today, we're going to turn this unit into something useful. Okay, first you want to cut -- no, first... Unplug it. Second, cut the one side into strips about a foot wide. Now you're probably going to snip through a few wires as you go but just reconnect them later with the handyman's secret solder. Okay now you just attach those strips to the edge of the other half of the blanket and that way the dual controls will allow us to set one temperature for the centre and a different temperature for the outside. Have you figured out where I'm going with this? Me neither. Oh yeah, I know. Now I never have to worry about dinner getting cold again because on the outside edge I've got her set on warm because that's where my dinner plates are and then for the serving dishes in the middle, I've got her cranked to the max. Now, if you're serving something cold like salad, well... Don't. Nobody likes salad, serve hot dishes. Now if you'll excuse me, I see by my electric blanket that it's time for me to tuck in. [ electrical arcing ] wow, harold's been over at bonnie's place for a while and I haven't heard any emergencies on the police band radio. So... I guess everything's okay. It was an accident that he covered himself with animal musk. It's probably worn off by now. [ harold screaming ] there's a wolf! A wolf! He chased me all the way home. What does he want? Probably just your phone number. I got an idea. Take the jacket off and'll splash some animal musk on it. I thought that was aftershave. Yeah, I made a mistake. It turns out old spice is young moose. Oh, but I like this jacket. Not as much as mister wolf does. Get it off there. Why can't I have a normal life? You don't want to know, harold. Okay, give me the jacket. Take this. On boy. We shouldn't be watching this. No. They're in love! Oh, I know, I know. Boy this is all happening on the first date, huh? Do you know what, I'm going to give him a little privacy. What should I do. Wait a couple of minutes and then toss the wolf a cigarette. Boy, this musk stuff is pretty powerful. Well you know it's nature. Nature's the powerful stuff. Oh, I know. So how'd it go over at bonnie's place? Was the musk a problem? No not really. Her mother was a little threatened but her father kept putting his arm around me. The dog really liked me. He proposed to my leg. [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be right down. Okay. Be careful with that. Oh boy. So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting and I hope you're going to put on that scent that drives me crazy... Honey-garlic. And the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the wolf and everybody else up here at possum lodge... Keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down! Sit down, now. Sit down. Come on, sit down. You guys in the back there. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man but I can change if I have to I guess. Okay men, we had a bit of a labelling mix up on the musk that you've been using. So, we need you to stop spreading that over all the trees and bushes and everything 'cause the whole forest